Dont let the B£$tard get you down!!

Lets not beat around the bush, infertility sucks! 

It has tested me to my limits I have had to dig deeper than I knew was possible or ever thought would be necessary in my life.

Ten years in our diagnosis remains that of "unexplained infertility"  - what is that, really!? Is there anything truly unexplained in today’s modern scientific age?  I sometimes think the Dr’s just want to stuff DW full of meds rather than target a specific problem, OR…  we are special, I prefer the latter!

Today, and it changes every day, my frustration is that I have no choice in the matter, I didn't choose this.  It just happened, to us. 

No matter what we do we don't seem to be able to twist anyone's arm to convince “them” to help us create our family.  In fact we don't even know whose metaphorical arm to twist, her womb or my sperm? None of it has worked, our bodies don't want to play ball, they just won’t.

But here's the snag, "they just won't”… YET.  At any moment this could all be over, 10 years of anxiety, fear, rage, helplessness, fad diets and supplements all over.

I remember saying to our infertility counsellor, “at some point we have to envisage a life without children, embrace the difference and live that life”.  What if that time is NOW?  How do you know when to stop?  What if, when you stop and are enjoying the difference, a pregnancy occurs?

 
What I do know is that infertility will try to wrestle the very "you" from you, the challenge is to usurp it – to stand strong, lean hard on that person next to you, surmount the mountain and enjoy the view from atop that mountain peak until the next bout begins and another mountain is to be climbed. 

To express that feeling of being "Pushed hard" I have written a little something, I hope you enjoy it...

 Pushed Hard

 

Pushed hard, at full tilt as close to the wind as I am made to go. This young vessels captain is younger still than it, out of depth but somehow still afloat.

 

Survival becomes the end, joy and inspiration cast overboard shed in order to endure.  Their absence makes our passage no less haunting as the merciless seasons push harder seeking out my doubt and waning courage.

But I must not falter or ease off there is too much here at stake and glancing to the stars at night I am reminded still not of joy, but promise. A future promise which if this is to be survived will be all the more fitting a prize.

 

(Written on reading Psalm 118, Message Bible)